Will She?

Will she be around?

When I get there

Tell me with a loud laugh again

How she got there first

Which corner has the best view,

What paradise fools live in.

Will she look at me again?

And ask why I never changed

Why I always loved too much

And yet say it with a softness

That betrays her understanding.

Will she tell me again?

That dying is just another game

And that she won it first

And all that she now regrets

Is ‘No Coffee in Paradise’!

Will she be angry again?

That I never kept my word

Never got around to meet

The myriad people she knew
Who could have been my friends too?

Will she promise me this time?

In her own indomitable way

That she shall never leave again

'Coz friends don’t go away.

Maman

She started to leave, but I held on

A moment longer – the end foregone.

Tarry a heartbeat more, my love

May that I capture these grey eyes now.

She smiled and said “It’s a dazzling place

Hues brighter may, then, fill the space.” 

Wise Woman she was; She spoke of my days -

Keeping up with Life at a dizzying pace

True I see her words were, then. I smile again 
Strike worldly deals, consider losses and gain

In a world devoid of the Love that was She

Every dusk,though, I ponder where Home may be.

Prayer

Mother Divine, whom I see in the quickly darkening grey of the clouds; Mother, whom I find in the faint brightness that peeps from in-between the clouds; Mother, whom I see in the shimmering city lights, in the steady glow of the bright palace lights, in the flash of lightning that illuminates the dark waters of the lake; I see your many colors in the golden dawns, in the blue of the sparkling waters, in the many-hued lights afar, in the purple reds of the sunsets, in the slate greys of the evenings, in the dark of the nights, in the white of the lightning bolts, in the greens all around, in the pearly smiles and laughter of people, in the kohl smeared tears.

I see you in the isolation of the island, in the crowds of the city streets; I hear you in the peals of the temple bells, in the Maghrib sung from the distant mosque; I sense you in the life urge of men and women as they return to their homes tired from a day’s work, in the death urge of the moths that are attracted to the flame; I feel you in the pain that wrings my soul and in the breeze that teases my senses.

Grant me, Mother, that I may never lose my Faith in you.

Written on August 2010. (the patio of the Noor-Us-Sabah palace, Bhopal. Heaven)

Happy New Year

The first month of the year spent in mirth, in anticipation
The lovers’ month tastes of sweet procrastination
In March, we brewed a colourful concoction
The Ram’s month brought in a fiery revolution
While my earthy May a warm homely satiation
The butterfly June of cheer and celebration
Wet July all spent in fearful trepidation
Tired days – an August of restless nights and exhaustion
Mummy-like September of caring consolation
Fall’s flaming ochre and October’s ruthless persecution
November’s my month of absolute exasperation
Cold December makes for a stern new resolution

Fly...Flee

Let’s fly away...far beyond the misty hills; let's flee this raging hell before the dusty, tired city awakes to another dreary day. Let’s live among the lesser men, who know only a pained life; worship the lesser Gods who never egg us on. Let's drink our sorrows with acceptance, cherish our lesser joys with appreciation and love our languid lives. Let's fly away...

Kalbaishakhi

The thunder, the lightning, the storm…Kalbaisakhi again. The dust rose and the whole world stirred mirroring my restless soul. The thunder crackled and the skies split open. The heavens poured their heart out. My soul awoke to aeons old memories, I believed again. Nature opened her arms and embraced me, hugged me close to her bosom - the long abandoned daughter welcomed back into her fold. I heard the music of my soul, I heard the unspoken promise…the promise of power, the promise of love. I was initiated into the secrets of the Gods; my coven called, I must answer…The purple velvet veil was ripped apart, I waited to catch a glimpse of the universe tonight…Heightened senses, I held my breath. As abruptly as it started, it died down. City bustle again. I almost lived...

Walk with me...
This torturous road
I'll hold your hand and lead you through,
The bliss of Eden.
We shall behold
Russet sunsets and melodious nights
In perfect peace...
And you shall smile,
"Honey, that's tautologic"
You haven't known
A better place
Than this dark alley
We meet up in
Our little world,
A secret one.
I'll treasure your words...
"Magic in your smile, miracle in your love"

Freedom

A freedom to live
And a freedom to die
To spread my wings
And skyward fly
A freedom to win
And a freedom to err
To smile through tears
When dreams mine blur.
A freedom from struggle
And a freedom from strife
Give me freedom
To live my life.
A freedom accorded
By fresh spring air
The freedom to treasure
My sunsets fair.
A freedom to love
And a freedom to hate,
I need the freedom
To battle my fate
A freedom to cry
When I’ve lost it all
A freedom to cherish
My rise and fall.
A freedom in life
And a freedom in death
I need freedom
In every breath.

July

July,
My month of passion,
Or digression.
Of rainbow hunting,
Of laughter and hurting.
Why do you forsake me, my love?
I seek my July manna now,
My pain and anguish, tears and joy
July had witnessed Fate's vile ploy.

An August Night

It wasn’t the best of August evenings when he stepped out. Late, lingering monsoon rains, the kind that always dampened his spirits, lashed out and Arjun shuddered at the thought of the task ahead. "Why me," he thought.... "Was this what I was made for? And that too, her? Does she deserve this?" And at that he recalled a verse she had read to him, one summer, "Since this was written, and needs must be". How far away it all seemed now. "Browning" he muttered, unbidden. "Browning", he muttered, "yet again.....". "A face to lose youth for, to occupy age with the dream of, meet death with." With death, he was going to meet tonight, but not his. A million thoughts crossed his mind, a million emotions stirred in the depths of his soul. It seemed like a dream and he'd wake any moment only to find her lying snugly by his side. But it wasn't. "It isn’t meant to be Arjun", she had shut the door on his face more than a year back; the day that changed his life forever. He had lost more than love that night. He had lost his mind, his faith, his happiness, and he had lost his patience....Paradoxically, as he walked the paved paths that led to her home, he felt a calm stealing over him. His mind cleared and he felt strangely patient. Tonight would last forever. Tonight, he thought, would be what he had so patiently for. Tonight. All his wait, his perseverance, his hope and his determination. The august rain would wash the sins, he thought - her sins. And his. Born in a puritan Brahmin household he could remember his mother tell him that it was a grave sin to kill a woman… Brahma Hatya….His fingers closed upon the pistol in his pocket. It felt cold. As cold as the emptiness in his heart. To him nothing else mattered tonight. He would have his revenge. The door was a foot away. The practiced feet made no sound as the practiced hand gripped the door knob and stealthily opened the only barrier between him and his destiny. Habit dictated that he take the stairs to the bedroom upstairs. He smiled. Not tonight. He knew where he would find her. A wry smile swept through his face as he tiptoed towards the living room.....the piano......he knew from the silence of its chords that someone was playing the grand instrument. The icy silence. The gloom. The wet august air. The stage could not have been better set. Yes, they were both there. As he had left them, after dinner earlier that night. The draught he had added to their coffee had worked well. He caught her eyes.....drowsy and tearful. Tears rolled like precious pearls from her lovely dark eyes. He moved his hands. She moved her lips. "Arjun, I knew you would come tonight," she said, "but the gun is a welcome surprise...." “It’s yours, my love”, he said. A single click. Arjun hardly blinked as blood squirted from her husband’s temples. Sleep was stealing over her. He quietly placed the gun in her fingers, kissed the lips he had now come to love and left quickly without turning back.

Time slowed down....at last. The last few months, days would fly past in a blur, my indistinct consciousness only aware of wakefulness and sleep. Dreams hazy, music muted and vision fuzzy. Today, time stalled for me. I savored every moment; shared a lot of "mountain" talk- Shillong and Kumaon, Kashmir and Darjeeling. My mind full of wet clouds and my spirits soaring among the stars, my day was a walk through my childhood memories.

Anticipation

Take away my sunrise,
Steeped in golden hues
Shining, smiling fresh
My dreamy languid dawns
Vulcan's teardrops
Into your graceful arms.

Take away my noons
Steeped in blazing tones
Raging burning ochers
Martian spirit
Into your restless soul.

Take away my sunsets
Steeped in russet silks
Sighing painful eves
Sad purple dusks
Dripping Venus
Into your passionate bosom.

Leave alone my midnights
For him to whisper tales
Of passion and painful woes
Into my hungry ears
And dewdrops shed by moonbeams new
Shall sing melodies of our love.


Written in anticipation of the tales (literal ones...stories of Sukumar) that a friend promised to read me every night.

Poison Ivy

What is this madness that grips me? Spreading through my veins like a slow acting poison. It courses through me, like icy blood, leaving me dizzy and breathless. It churns my heart, ails my mind. Death and darkness, it hearlds; and my vision goes hazy. Ah...this must be the sacred evil people call Love.

The Original Sin

Can you see the lightning
Tear the garment of the night
Rip apart, the seams of the sky
Crackle at the damsel’s tumultuous plight?

Can you feel the storm that rages,
Raked up to prevent a nimble flight
Dusty fears cross my heart-
Violation of modesty or display of might?

The rape is done, silence reigns
Resigned now she does not fight
The rain of tears become her well
And remains of a disheveled sight.

Written 10^th April 07, 3 am

I Found Him Again

Have you ever met someone like him...familiar yet elusive...like a whisp of smoke...like the clouds you walk through...like a melody, half-forgotten yet haunting...like the spray of mist...like the teasing spring zephyr...like the lost lyrics of a lilting strain...like the splashing waves...like the first ray of a russet sunrise...the last glow of a gloden dusk? I try to hold on, hang on for life dear...but he slips through my fingers like grains of sand. The harder i clutch....well, you know. I lost him once and now i have found him again...but he hasn't changed. I have. I have stopped believing in the eternal...the forever....Or have I? Does the heart not cherish secret, forbidden desires? Ones, that may not be uttered aloud, not even to him...but nurtured in the velvety darkness of the night. I hold them out, like a treasured jewel, admire the sparkle against the star-spangled sky and put them away again with a sigh.

I just read my own post...reminds me of a poem i used to love...
FATE
by Susan Marr Spalding

TWO shall be born the whole wide world apart;
And speak in different tongues, and have no thought
Each of the other’s being, and no heed;
And these o’er unknown seas to unknown lands
Shall cross, escaping wreck, defying death,
And all unconsciously shape every act
And bend each wandering step to this one end,—
That, one day, out of darkness, they shall meet
And read life’s meaning in each other’s eyes.
And two shall walk some narrow way of life
So nearly side by side, that should one turn
Ever so little space to left or right
They needs must stand acknowledged face to face.
And yet, with wistful eyes that never meet,
With groping hands that never clasp, and lips
Calling in vain to ears that never hear,
They seek each other all their weary days
And die unsatisfied—and this is Fate!

A moment of truth

You and I, face to face
In a moment of transparence.
The stark, naked Truth
Dancing its wild, primal dance
As the bright stars illuminate
This revealing - momentary séance.

Ashirwad

To Sanidh,

Aaapne chain ka neend banakar
Lori ga kar sula diya
Aapne armanon ka pey banakar
Amrit sa tujhko pila diya
Jeevan ke anal me jaloge, beta
Tab karna is ma ko yaad
Tap kar bhi kanchan bane tu
Teri maa ka hai ye ashirvad

From

Amma

Musings At Midnight

jeene ki tamanna toh woh karte hain
zindagi ne jinhe jeena na sikhaya ho....Aug 07


The notes just died...the songs just faded

The stars shine down but the night's still jaded....March 07

The night’s dripping wet
The witching hours that follow
Lightning tears the velvet sky
And dreams of a crimson morrow....June 06

For Maya....

To visualize , to identify with water, watching a faucet did not help and so I stood beneath the shower. Then came the thunderstorm, Kalbaishakhi. I stood in the wild showers and thought myself to be the element of water. Wild and violent, fanned by the strong winds, I beat against the dry earth, dissolving the dust. I was the enraged, I brought the calm. I drenched all, spared none. I saw myself split into drops, yet I united the moment I touched the ground, I was the unstoppable. I cleaned up the dirt and smoke, I cleared the Air and Earth, yet I drew out the creepy, crawly creatures of the dark. Where could one hide from me? You see me, feel me, smell me, think of me, I intoxicate All. Yet my constant downfall frustrated me. Why fall always, my powerful self felt challenged, I felt like rising, like splashing, drenching and dissolving all. I knew I had force, I had power, I felt like using my strength but I knew I could be regulated. My meek self submitted. My life is one of contradictions; the all powerful, the powerless; the tangible yet the shapeless; the clear and the murky; the sweet & the saline; I was cooling and refreshing and yet I could freeze and above all I was the Blessed.

Death Comes As The End

Into the sunset we shall walk,
Hand in hand,
Dark lies thunder above us,
And the ground we built on love
Quakes under our very feet....
The winds are fanned into violent frenzy
And the mirror threatens to crack
Nightfall is certainty
Thor weilds his thunder well
Lightning tears the sky
Or is it our gauzy hearts?
The storm approaches, my love,
Hold me tight
And close to you,
For I see no light
Darkness descends and wildfire spreads
Is it Doomsday yet?

My breath is short, you sound so faint...
Let me feel your heartbeat,
Lay my head on your chest
I think I come to die
Kiss my lips once beforethe vile one
Comes by stealth and takes my soul away.

But of you, my love,
He knows not.
You shall have my wings
Fly my beloved- flee
Tarry not for my sake
Not a moment waste.

Sunrise you shall yet behold
Another day, another time
We shall meet.